In a few days, my kitchen will be filled with a smoky blaze: A cake-on-fire with 62 candles. So———It’s customary on way-over-40 birthdays to proclaim your life wisdom in pithy proverbs. But I don’t know enough for that, so here’s what I wish I knew:

1.  Why did God made dogs’ lives so short and crocodiles, red sea urchins and quahog clams so long?

2. When should I let my hair go grey? I cheer on all my friends, but I can’t bear to part with my dear black-haired friend L’Oreal.

3.  How is it that black vultures, bald eagles, barn owls, skinks, sea horses, wolves and macaroni penguins can mate for life when so many humans can’t?

4.  Why are male actors still cast as romantic leads well into their wizened 60’s when female leads are done at 35?

 5.  How do I eat half a cookie or brownie without sneaking back to eat the other half three minutes later?

  6.  How did I gain 10 pounds since turning 60--- and why can’t I seem to care about it? (Ummm, see number 5?)

7.  Why do so many female celebrities announce on their mid-life birthdays that they finally “love themselves just as they are”? Why is this always spoken as the pinnacle of achievement in life?

8.  Why have I spent so many hours of my life mating socks?

 9.  How DO you fold a fitted sheet? (Don’t answer. To my dying day, I’m going with the 3 second bunch and roll method.)

 10.  Who decided Cheetos should be “baked” instead of fried? Is anyone eating them for their health?

11.  Why is it that just as we’re old enough to dish out a few words of wisdom, the polysyllabic vocabulary we’ve spent years acquiring suddenly starts scattering in our moments of greatest verbal need?

12.  Will we ever be able to discourse respectfully again in this country on issues that matter without “triggering” “offending” or making someone “feel unsafe”? (How did a democracy founded on free speech get to the place where any difference of opinion is labeled “dangerous”?)

13.  How do we explain the existence of fat-free cream cheese, tater-tot casserole, deep-fried pickles, turducken, Marshmellow Peeps flavored milk, organic hot dogs, fat-free half+half?

14.  How is it fair that in the second half of life when you’re finally embracing fashion and cute shoes that your feet now require sneakers and clunky orthopedics?

15.  How can I express gratitude more and complain less?

16. What would the world be like if we all took a Sabbath from our electronics one day a week?

17.  Why don’t seasons make it into the pantheon of proper nouns? Spring, summer, fall and winter are all momentous enough to deserve their own  capital letter.

18.  Why did I think this list was a good idea?

Hmmmm . . . .  I’m getting depressed with how little I know so I’m changing the list:

Ideas To Make The World Better:

19. Once a month Airline  executives should be required to fly across the country in a middle seat in the last row next to the bathrooms. On a plane that’s full. And then give them a work deadline on a computer that doesn’t fit on the tray or on their knees. Then let them be hungry and thirsty. And then make the person sitting on the aisle—the gateway to the bathroom---large and grumpy.

20. All political candidates on both sides should go to one another’s children’s and grandchildren’s birthday parties before appearing on a televised debate.

21. TVs and screens should be human powered by a treadmill or cycle. You want to binge watch Gilmore Girls or Youtube videos or work until midnight? At least you’ll emerge fitter.

 22.  All SUP’s (single use plastics) should be taxed so we stop buying water bottles and junk we don’t need.

23. To end the nighttime cover wars, all bedding should be made with accordian pleats in the middle to stretch ten extra feet on either side.

24. If everyone read more, argued less, and ate more ice cream together we would all be happier.

25.  The best face lift and skin brightener is helping someone in need.

26.  Political gain, without love for others, is no gain at all.

27.  We “win” the Culture Wars every time we treat others with compassion, humility and respect.

28.  Don’t let your kids, no matter how old they are, waste one minute of their lives wondering if you love them. Same for your spouse.

 29.  Forget your husband’s dirty socks, clutter and corny jokes. Anyone who has put up with your weirdness all these decades deserves extra grace.

30.  When you detect another wrinkle or varicose vein, or the number on your jeans is bigger than last year, remember that no one loves you because of your jean size, your skin or the state of your veins.

 31. As the decades pass, cultivate women friends as if they were your lifeline. Because they are.

?????  That’s it?? I’m out already? Apparently I only know half of what I should at 62! But that gives me hope. I’m still learning! The Wonder Years are still unfolding! There’s still so much more ahead-----for you as well, no matter your age. God’s not done with us!

NOW! I’m SO nervous, scared and EXCITED to share the news: The FIRST EVER Wonder Years conference for women over 40 is happening in just 14 weeks! Elisa Morgan and I will keynote.


Eight other world-class speakers on the topics you care about: Caregiving, Radical Hospitality, Finding Your Passion, Embracing True Beauty, Loving Your Prodigal, Mid-life Marriage, Telling Your Remarkable Story, Surviving Trauma, Who God Wants You to Be at Mid-life and MORE!

Our first gathering will be intimate: just 150 women

In a gorgeous setting: Mt. Hermon, in the Redwoods near San Jose, California

At a great time of year: Feb. 21 - 23, 2020

At a fantastic at-cost price: $495: double, $450 triple.

To celebrate my birthday, if you register this week, I’ll send you TWO Wonder Years books as a “Thank you. and See You Soon!” (Just let me know when you register: leslieleylandfields@gmail.com)

That’s it. THANK YOU for making it ALL the way to the end!  May we all grow up to be THIS beautiful!

(Would you consider sharing with your getting-older friends?)

 Now——-Your Turn! Any more wisdoms or “Things I Wish I Knew” that you’d like to add?